Are You a People Pleaser? Learn how to STOP it NOW!

Is people pleasing impacting your life more than you deserve? Do you want to STOP doing it? It may be easier than you think!

Saying: Of course I can drive you to the airport tomorrow, I'll just start work late. Reality: you have a deadline looming & a tonne of work to do still. 

Saying: Yes, I can help you cook for the party. Reality: you have to work all week & take the kids to sport on the day of the party. 

Saying: I'm sorry, it's my fault. Reality: whatever you're apologising for had absolutely nothing to do with you at all.

Are you a people pleaser? Do you constantly put other people, their opinions, their needs, their time & their feelings ahead of your own? Do you say yes when you really should, & need, to say no? Do you agree with people even though your opinion is vastly different to theirs? Do you frequently apologise for things that aren't your fault? Do you adjust your personality, behaviour & opinions to match the people around you? Do you only feel a sense of worth when you're receiving validation from someone other than yourself? Do you always worry about people not liking you, or rejecting you? Do you carry the burden of other people's problems & feel like it's up to you to fix them?

So, how many times did YES drop into your mind when you read that last paragraph? Was it like reading a list of your habits & how you function in your daily life? Did it make you question how often you do regularly put other people ahead of yourself?

Being a giving, kind, supportive, generous person is admirable & the world could definitely do with more of that! It can help us build meaningful relationships, succeed at work, have a sense of pride & innate worth, it can build a tribe or community of like-minded people around us & it can simply make us feel happy & content within ourselves & our lives.

But constantly putting other people first & yourself second (or perhaps even further down the ladder of importance!), showing more compassion to others than you do to yourself, can be harmful to both your physical & mental health.

Constant people pleasing behaviour can lead to -

• 
  stress & burnout - because you're so busy doing everything for other people that you don't take time for
  yourself, your needs, or sometimes even some of the things that are actually your responsibility 
• anxiety - you're under constant pressure (often self-imposed) to prioritise others & fear that if you stop doing this, people won't like you 
• depression - your constant compulsion to help others, & fix their problems for them, can become a heavy emotional burden to carry
• low self-esteem - because you only feel a sense of worth & value when you're doing something for others & a sense of guilt if you ever prioritise yourself 
• frustration & resentment - people don't always appreciate, or recognise, how much you do for them & take you for granted. And even though you want to help people, frustration & resentment can arise, followed by guilt for feeling this way & perhaps passive aggressive behaviour (which confuses you & everyone around you) 
• unhealthy lifestyle choices - spending all this time prioritising others can lead to bad food choices (comfort, mindless or stress eating), lack of exercise or physical self-care (because you're too busy!), excessive alcohol consumption or even drug use (self-medication to calm your stress or anxiety)
• unfulfilling, shallow relationships - when you think you always need to be the nice, good, helpful, kind person to be liked, loved or valued, you'll never feel comfortable revealing your full, complete self to people, for fear they'll reject you. 

All this just because you continually try to please people! 

If you could just float up & out of yourself for a moment ... & just observe yourself ... observe your behaviours, observe your actions ... & observe the full effect on you, your mind, your body, your health, your life, your close relationships, your work, your happiness ... just float up & out of yourself ... & just observe this objectively ... & it's like you're observing it through a window ... just watching, just observing ... ... ... & do you want to continue being this way? ... or do you want to change? ... now ...

That's right ... you want to change! Your desire to help people, to be kind, generous, compassionate & supportive is a beautiful trait to possess. But just like when your plane is experiencing difficulties during its flight, you need to put your oxygen mask on first ... before you can help anyone else. If you don't take care of yourself, if you don't prioritise yourself, you won't be able to help anybody! And if your motivation for being kind is primarily for people to like you, then that's not even being genuinely kind anyway ... that's being kind with an ulterior motive.

And have you ever contemplated that by doing everything for everyone else, by being everyone's rescuer, by turning yourself inside out to please everyone ... that you're not only denying yourself (of your time, energy, value) but you may also be denying them? 

There's lessons to be learned in every life experience & you may be denying them of opportunities to learn how to organise their time more effectively; acquire a new skill at work; self-regulate their emotions; develop resilience; build healthier relationships; cultivate emotional intelligence; expand their communication skills; or even improve their critical & strategic thinking abilities. How does that perspective sit with you?

So, to benefit yourself & others, how do you stop people pleasing?

Establish boundaries - for yourself & other people. Create a protective suit or barrier! Reign in your people pleasing by minimising exposure to situations or people who bring this behaviour out in you; or when people start to dump their problems on you, create the habit of asking whether they want advice or just someone to listen (so you don't assume responsibility for providing solutions unnecessarily); or when people expect you to do something they're capable of doing themselves, remind yourself that you're being kind by declining & allowing them this opportunity to learn whatever it is they need to learn by doing it themselves. Setting boundaries may seem scary at first but it will help reveal & remove those who were benefitting from your people pleasing. Thus, leaving you more time for yourself & the people who actually appreciate & value the authentic you. 

Learn to say NO with conviction - be confident in your ability & right to say no! If you hesitate or say maybe, whether it's an invitation to something you don't really want to attend or to complete a task that's not your responsibility, you'll inevitably end up doing something you don't want to do. Even if saying no feels uncomfortable at first, just try it on for size & reap the rewards! There's many ways you can politely decline anything or anyone. Use this as an opportunity to get creative with your vocabulary!

Set personal & professional goals & priorities - deciding what you want to achieve, & who you'd like to help, will provide a gauge by which to measure any requests upon your time or energy. Setting goals for yourself will make it easier to objectively assess someone else's needs against your own & prioritise accordingly. 

Get comfortable with discomfort - not everyone's going to be happy about this new version of you, including you at first! Many people pleasers fall into these behaviours to alleviate rejection, judgement, abandonment & low self worth. Learning to observe these emotions, rather than experience them, will allow you to sit more comfortably with them & diminish their power over you.

And as you create boundaries, learn to say no, set goals & step out of your comfort zone ... your oxygen mask will materialise ... & you will be able to help yourself, & others, more than you ever could have imagined ... that's right! 

Kim Harrison
mindmakeover.com.au