Never Underestimate The Value of True Friendship

 Friendship is a powerful tool to build a happy, healthy life!

I remember my Dad telling me once that a good way to judge someone’s character is to take a look at their long term friendships and if they don’t have any then they shouldn’t be trusted.  And, I have to say, I’ve found it to be very true.  If you can’t maintain long-term bonds with people you have a shared history with that either means you’ve chosen bad people as friends and you’ve justifiably removed them from your life.  Or, it means there’s something wrong with you and your behaviours, because they have removed themselves from your life.  Either way, it’s worth contemplating. 

The type of friends we choose reflects the type of person we truly are at heart because, as we know, like attracts like.  If your friendship circle includes people of nefarious character then you will be characterised this way too.  If your friendship circle includes spiritual or religious people then you will be characterised this way too.  If your friendship circle includes successful, ambitious people then you will be characterised this way too.  And if your friendship circle doesn’t include any, or many, long term friends then it’s only natural to wonder why?

I feel extremely grateful that my closest friends have been in my life for decades.  I am not one to cultivate a huge circle of friends, I feel more comfortable with a more intimate group of people who I know have my back, will always be honest with me, who know my history and will always love me anyway.  But, in saying that, I have also been fortunate enough to have some great friends come into my life over more recent years who I know will be in my life for a long time to come.  

I have also been fortunate enough to cull some friends over the last few years and it has been an extremely liberating experience.  When you realise that people are not authentic, that their motivation for having you as a friend is questionable or they simply don’t align with the type of person you want to be, then culling them is the kindest thing you can do for yourself.  We need to surround ourselves with people we can trust with our stories, we can be our truest selves with, we can be vulnerable with, we can be completely relaxed with.  If you feel as though you need to wear a mask to protect your true, authentic self from judgement and criticism then those people are not your people and you need to extricate yourself from those false friendships. 

Friendships should enhance our happiness, contentment, self-worth and self-esteem and can help  to minimise the possibility of depression and loneliness.  And it is a win-win relationship because we benefit from the experience of both having someone who will support us when we need it and also from being the one to provide support when our friend is in need.  I have lost count of how many life challenges I have shared with my closest friends, in both the role of supporter and supported, and the mere thought of it fills my heart with love, contentment and an actual physical sensation of warmth.  We all lead quite different lives, have other circles of friends, have completely different career paths and totally different relationship situations but we all know we have a safe place in each other.  No matter what life has thrown at us, or what we’ve thrown at each other (because friendships exceeding 40 years aren’t always smooth sailing!), we have a respect and love for each other that is unbreakable.  I have shared my darkest days with them (the death of my Nan, the end of my first marriage, the challenges of raising a teenage son) and my brightest days (my weddings, holidays, birthdays) and their presence has definitely had a major impact on all of those days.

Our closest friends are also the best people to provide an honest perspective of us, our behaviours and the challenges we are sometimes faced with.  As we all know, we often get so caught up in ourselves and the grind of our lives that we don’t have the capacity to see the forest for the trees.  We just continue to drag ourselves through whatever situation we’re in because our emotions cloud our perspective and because it sometimes seems easier to endure what we’re in than to change it.  But because of their different life experiences and knowledge, our friends can provide insight and perspective that can help elevate us from our current situation or emotional state.  They may need to be brutally honest with us to do so, they may need to be cruel to be kind at times, but sometimes they know us better than we know ourselves so they’re the perfect people to do this.  

I really wish I had fully shared with my closest friends the depth of difficulties and despair I was experiencing in my last job.  In hindsight I know that they would have helped me work through it and they probably would have encouraged my resignation much sooner than it eventually occurred.  But the extent of my overwhelm and stress stopped me from sharing it with them because I didn’t want to burden them.  How stupid I was and how disrespectful I was to our friendship!  It wouldn’t have burdened them, it would have allowed them to support me and to feel valued, respected and content in doing so.  I would have been a better friend to share my pain with them than I was by trying to protect them from it.  It’s frustrating how with hindsight comes perspective, isn’t it.    

     

Allowing someone into our lives is an extremely vulnerable act but by doing so we open up a whole world of possibility.  That friendship can create such joy, happiness and beautiful memories.  Unfortunately it also has the potential to bring pain, frustration and disappointment.  But it is undoubtedly worth the risk!  Some people pass through our lives for short periods of time for specific reasons but others walk straight into our hearts and stay there forever.  These people make the vulnerability worthwhile and make life a much more pleasurable adventure.

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” - Anais Nin (French-Cuban American Essayist and Novelist)

Kim Harrison

www.mindmakeover.com.au