Challenge Your Inner Critic to Improve your Self-Esteem

An issue that significantly impacts our lives is our level of SELF-ESTEEM.

Even when we don't articulate low self-esteem as a major issue for us, we can still communicate it indirectly both verbally & non-verbally. And we regularly list higher self-esteem as one of the benefits we would enjoy if we could just fix our damn problems - "My self-esteem will improve when I can find another job", "My main reason for losing weight is to feel better about my self-worth", "I'll feel better about myself when I don't drink so much". Or, for some people, it's quite obviously a major problem - "I've always felt that I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not enough. I've always had low self-esteem."

Self-Esteem is a reflection of how we see ourselves & how worthy we feel. It's a self- evaluation of how we're performing in various areas of our life. And I think we all know how negatively biased some self-evaluations can be! The way we speak, the tone & volume we use, the words we choose, how we carry ourselves in general, the postures we adopt, the degree of eye contact we make with others, our facial expressions, how we dress, the way we 'show up' in the world, the way we allow others to treat us, the way we treat ourselves. All of these things reflect our level of self-esteem. And because it is an extremely subjective self-evaluation, or judgement, it rarely takes into consideration any objective perspectives of our capabilities, characteristics or even how other people see us.

Self-esteem has a major role to play in our mental & physical wellbeing. It is a diagnostic criterion for several mental health issues & can even reduce our ability to recover from illness, perhaps because people with low self-esteem are less likely to engage in behaviours that promote good health (such as exercise, healthy eating or even regular mental or physical check-ups). Its powerful tentacles are far reaching!

Research has shown that higher self-esteem improves our performance in areas such as education, career progression, social acceptance, physical & psychological health. Can you just imagine this internal chatter while preparing for a job interview - "I don't know how I even got this interview, I don't have enough experience, they probably just felt sorry for me & that's why I got the interview, I'm so stupid for even applying, everyone else could do this job better than me, they'll know I'm not good enough as soon as I walk in." I know I've experienced conversations just like this!! And it most certainly doesn't produce the right frame of mind to be able to present the best version of yourself to anybody. What it does produce is high anxiety & stress levels, a body that's in an extreme fight-or-flight state & a mind that can't function logically or clearly. This decreases our chances of succeeding, which then affirms what we already believe about ourself, which subsequently reduces our self-esteem even more .. & the self-perpetuating cycle continues.

Our self-esteem can be global or domain-specific. Global refers to our overall sense of self-worth in all aspects of our self & our life - in other words, a 360 degree self- evaluation that leads to an overall sense of high or low self-esteem. Domain-specific is relevant to particular activities or areas of our lives - for example, your global self-esteem may be relatively healthy but extremely low in relation to your physical appearance. And both areas, like everything else within our minds & bodies, are linked.

Research shows that about 50% of our personality & self-worth are inherited, which means the other 50% is environmental. Now, we all know that our environment - parenting, schooling, relationships, social connection, etc - aren't always historically optimal. Who has a perfect childhood, right? But, the fact that we have control over at least 50% of what impacts our personality, self-worth & self-esteem is actually a positive. It means we have the power to influence ourselves, our perception of ourselves & our future happiness, satisfaction & success significantly!

If I told you that you had 50% chance of winning $1 million, which you personally have 0% control over, would you be interested? Of course you would be, we all would!

So, if I tell you that you have 100% chance of improving your self-esteem, which you personally have 50% control over, would you be interested? Of course you are, we all are! They're very good odds.

Healthier self-esteem makes the experience of being 'us', the unique humans that we individually are, much more pleasurable. It allows us to experience life in a completely different way, with a completely different perspective & filter. It reveals possibilities & opportunities that we may never even notice otherwise. It empowers us to take chances, to seize opportunities presented to us, create our own opportunities & to tackle challenges head on (like that buffalo)!

Now, I'm not advocating that we all become narcissists, because they're a whole different type of human. People with higher self-esteem see themselves as worthy, whereas narcissists view themselves as superior. This isn't healthy for themselves or people around them. In contrast, when you experience higher self-esteem, you enjoy a higher quality relationship with yourself & everyone around you.

So, how do we improve our self-esteem? How do we silence the inner-critic? How do we view ourselves a little more objectively, honestly & compassionately, rather than subjectively & overly critically? How do we stop self-sabotaging?

Externalise & disempower your inner-critic - when you hear that nagging little voice being hyper-critical just focus on its tone, pitch & volume, without listening to its words. Then change all these aspects of the voice - make them the opposite of what they currently are, you can even make them humorous or cartoon-like. And then remove that voice from your head, imagine tearing it out of your head with your hands & placing it to your left, outside of you completely. Now, look over at it, acknowledge it, tell it that's where it belongs ... & just get a sense of how different this feels now.

Ask your inner-critic questions - now that you've externalised the voice, ask it some questions. Reveal what it's costing you. Look at it, out there to your left, & ask "What price am I paying for listening to you?" And then write a list of everything your old inner-critic was costing you. It may have been costing you career development because you wouldn't apply for jobs; it may have been costing you friendships because you avoided socialising; it may have been costing you physical health because being self-conscious about your body wouldn't allow you to exercise. And then combine the 'costs' into statements to challenge the critic. "I can't afford this - you are costing me my career, my social life & my health. I can no longer afford that & will no longer pay that cost!" This reframe is extremely powerful in changing our perspective.

There are a variety of techniques & therapies to address your self-esteem issues. Hypnosis & NLP are two approaches that can help reveal & release the root cause/s to allow you to enjoy a more fulfilling, rewarding, happy life. But even simple exercises, like the one above, that draw your focus to questioning & challenging your inner critic can have a major impact. 

You can be empowered to move toward the life that you deserve. 

Kim Harrison 
mindmakeover.com.au