Why Aren't We Grateful When Life Is Good?

Do you only experience gratitude for the positive aspects of your life when things take a turn for the worst?

Are you stuck in your past or constantly living in the future?

Covid recently struck in our house & I’m writing this while still recovering from the damn virus that’s impacted the world for much longer than I think anyone ever imagined it might. My husband & I managed to dodge the Covid bullet as most of our family succumbed to it over the past few months but, alas, our stealthy avoidance tactics eventually failed us!

And as we’ve been alternating between sleeping more than we ever have & experiencing insomnia; regularly coughing up a lung (lucky we have two!); wondering how much mucus the human nose can actually produce (I googled & apparently it’s about 1 litre!!!); contemplating the exact time that our heads may explode (thankfully, neither of us got that one right!); having the attention span of a goldfish (hello brain fog) & binge watching a variety of streaming services while perfecting our corpse pose on the lounge (I can confidently say that we are world class at it now!) … as we were enduring all of this, I started to wonder … why the hell don’t we appreciate the good things in life, like our health, while we’re experiencing them?

Why don’t we appreciate being able to breathe easily through two clear nostrils? Or rejoice when our brains & minds work efficiently & effectively? Why don’t we pat ourselves on the back when we walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like we need an oxygen mask? Or feel a sense of bliss when we experience an entire day without as much as a tickle in our throat or a headache? 

And, as with our health, why don’t we appreciate the other positive aspects of our lives? Like the well-paying job we have that allows us to pay our rent or mortgage; or the car that saves us from travelling everywhere by public transport; the partner who loves & supports us no matter what; the kick-ass TV that we binge watch Netflix on (& Stan, & Prime & the list goes on); the lifelong friends that are always there to offer a shoulder to cry on or a boot up the butt when we need it (& it’s not always the one we think we need!); or the amazing family members we have (feel free to disregard the other ones, which every family has!).
We only seem to appreciate our health when we it takes a turn for the worst … just like almost everything in our lives! 

One reason for this could be hedonic adaptation, or living our lives on the hedonic treadmill. This is our basic tendency to get used to the good things in our life & then return to our happiness (or satisfaction) set point after any major positive or negative event or emotions. So, regardless of how amazing something makes us feel in the moment, or for a certain period of time, we return to our original emotional set point or baseline. And then endlessly chase that next spike in emotions.

Like when people win millions of dollars & within 18 months are no happier, or satisfied, than

they were prior to becoming millionaires. This has been scientifically studied & 18 months is the maximum time it takes for that return to baseline to occur! Or you get that amazing new job & within a few months the shine has worn off & you’re looking to greener pastures. And we’ve all done this! Or when you buy a new car, with all the available optional extras, & always park next to a pole in the furthest corner of the carpark, so nobody can hit it. Never contemplating how far you need to walk with your groceries. But within 12 months you’re parking next to that old van that has more dings than straight panels. Okay, I have to admit, I still park near a pole & don’t care if I need to walk a long way, because I completely love my car years later! Or when you buy your dream home & within a few years (or months even) you start trawling the online real estate listings just to see what’s out there. I always do this!

Our momentary increase in happiness, satisfaction or contentment eventually makes way for a return to our baseline because that’s what our system (mind & body) is used to. And then, sooner or later, we start chasing that different feeling or shiny-bauble again & jump back on the hedonic treadmill. Never happy with what we have, how we feel, what our life looks like. Constantly chasing more without ever, consciously or subconsciously, taking a moment to notice what we actually do have in our lives. Never taking a moment to feel grateful for what we have achieved, how healthy we are, how valuable our relationships are, how great our home really is or that we are fortunate enough to be alive when some others have been denied that privilege.

Many of us are stuck on this hedonic treadmill, but just taking a moment each day to focus & reflect on what we do have, rather than what we don’t, can elevate our happiness, satisfaction & contentment levels. And it can help raise that set point or baseline. So that each time

something positive happens & those buoyant emotions begin to reduce slightly, the baseline we return to will be higher than it was previously. Or, if something negative happens (because this is life after all & it’s a rollercoaster of sorts), once those diminished emotions begin to subside, you’ll return to that higher baseline that you’ve established.

This allows us to experience life on a constant & steady upward trajectory, that’s much more rewarding in both the short & long term.

Another reason we may not appreciate what we have until it takes a turn for the worst, or we lose it altogether, is because we just never focus on the present. Many people are constantly future-focused or past-focused & this dictates every aspect of our lives. 

When people are constantly future-focused, their attitude is always “it will be better when”. And this applies to their jobs, businesses, relationships, physical health, mental health, happiness, finances, everything. It will be better when I get the promotion I deserve. It will be better when we get married. It will be better when I lose weight. It will be better when we have more money. It will be better when this year’s over. It will be better when the kids get older.

No, no, no … it won’t!! If you never allow yourself to notice, or focus on, what you have now then you will never be happy enough, successful enough, wealthy enough, thin enough, healthy enough. Never! You will never allow yourself to be! You will always be chasing something elusive. Because you will never acknowledge or recognise the present. So how can you ever enjoy it? How can you ever be grateful for anything in it? How can you ever be satisfied or content? How, if it’s always going to “be better when”.

And the other part of this equation is those who are too past-focused, who are always thinking & believing “it was better when”. It was better when I was younger. It was better when I had that other job. It was better when I lived in that other house. It was better when I was single, footloose & fancy free. It was better when the business was more successful.

No, no, no … it wasn’t! Being too past-focused often means we wear rose-tinted glasses &

see things as we thought (or wished) they were, not how they actually were. It wasn’t better when we were younger because we were poor & had limited options of where to live, what to eat, what education we could access. It wasn’t better when we had that other job because our boss was a narcissist & we were constantly stressed to the max. It wasn’t better when we lived in that other house because we liked the house but hated that suburb. It wasn’t better when you were single because you were miserable & lonely all the time. It wasn’t better when your business was more successful because that meant you spent too much time at work & your marriage suffered as a result.

When we idealise the past & are too past-focused, it governs the way we behave in the present & can set us up for a constricted future. If we believe things were “better when” then we will behave in ways to return us to, or recreate, that type of situation again. It will mean that we don’t even contemplate options, opportunities or ideas that may actually set us up for a brighter future. 

If we don’t allow ourselves to notice our present & objectively assess it against the past, we run the risk of getting stuck in our rose-tinted past & never experiencing gratitude for anything we have in our lives … because, no matter what, “it was better when”.

Now, I’m not saying that we don’t need to focus at all on our future or our past. If we were to ignore either of them we’d be like balloons floating in the atmosphere, at the whim of everything around us. 

We do need to utilise our real past experiences, not the idealised ones, as a beneficial resource. And it’s important to note that many of us also have slightly negative parts of our past that contain important precautionary lessons. Ones that may serve to keep us safe in the present & future, but that we shouldn’t allow to limit our decisions & behaviours. 

And we do need to contemplate & plan for the future that we desire & deserve. But it’s vital that we do this from a place where we have a healthy respect & appreciation for the present. From a place where we balance our past knowledge & our future dreams with an objective observation of our present. 

When we don’t get this balance right we run the risk of being eternally trapped on that hedonistic treadmill & never appreciating what we have, until it’s too late & it’s gone. Or becoming so stuck in ‘what was’ or ‘what may be’, that the ‘what is’ is inevitably doomed to become the past that “was better when”.

And I’m not sure when this will happen for you … but when it does … what will happen when you just allow yourself to be in the now? … what will happen when you just objectively take a look at what your life is like now? … what will happen when you experience gratitude for your life now? … what will happen when you just find that balance between what was, what may be & what is? … what will happen?

Kim Harrison 

mindmakeover.com.au