Let's Just STOP Being Overly Judgemental
Are you overly judgemental? Do you ever show compassion or empathy toward yourself, or others?
Do you find yourself forming instant opinions & judgements about other people, without even a moment’s thought about why they behave the way they do?
What are the stories playing on a repeat loop in their minds? What are they telling themselves about their life circumstances - their today, their yesterdays & their tomorrows? Are they engaging in positive or negative self-talk - beating themselves up or encouraging themselves? How are they feeling about themselves - confident, despondent or perhaps indifferent? What does it feel like to be them - physically & emotionally? What does the world look like through their eyes?
When I think about it, I used to be extremely judgemental of people, including myself. And if I’m being completely honest, I’m still extremely judgemental of myself, but have found that my empathy toward others has been developing more & more. And that instant reaction of judging others is diminishing, day by day.
I remember saying as a teenager, jokingly but not really jokingly, when asked about why I was so judgemental … that I was just getting in first … before ‘they’ judged me, because I knew they would. And many of us feel this way. Because we are judgemental, we automatically feel that others are being just as judgemental of us & everybody else around them too!
And, as with most human behaviours, there are various reasons for being overly judgemental.
Perhaps we have low self-esteem? If we feel insecure about ourselves, or some aspect of ourselves, we may critically judge others with the intention of improving the way we feel emotionally. By dragging someone else down, we can elevate our perception of ourselves or our situation, even if just momentarily.
Maybe we have extremely high standards? If we have high standards, especially if we have overcome significant challenges to achieve what we have in life, we may feel disdain or loathing toward people who we feel fall below our ‘acceptable’ standards of behaviour, appearance, lifestyle or success. We’ll judge them because they remind us of what we used to be or what we could have remained. So, that old self-loathing raises its ugly head & gets directed toward them.
Perhaps we had overly critical or judgmental parents or grandparents? What children see, they mimic & that behaviour becomes their ‘normal’. So, if we grow up listening to & seeing adults who are super critical & judgemental toward us &/or others, rather than congratulatory or supportive, we will unconsciously repeat this behaviour & it will be our ‘normal’.
Maybe we are embarrassed when other people behave in ways that oppose our personal standards of behaviour? If we see someone do something that we would dare dare to do, like wear revealing clothing or colour their hair bright pink, we may judge them because we would never feel comfortable or confident doing these things. And we take solace in that judgement, as it soothes our own lack of confidence.
Perhaps we experience envy toward people who possess, or have achieved, what we have not been able to? If we see people who seemingly ‘have it all’, & we feel that ‘we have nothing’ in comparison, it can be easy to feel envious. And it’s far more self-soothing to judge them, their behaviours, their life choices & what they choose to do with their success, than it is to take a look at what we can change about ourselves to enhance our own achievements & happiness.
There are more reasons for being overly judgemental but what seems to be a common theme is being stuck in our own way of thinking, feeling & believing.
And this can result from events in our past that have caused us to create a suit of armour to protect us from the emotions, fears, doubts, guilt or even shame, that we don’t want to delve into or experience again. And for some people that suit of armour is ‘judgement’.
We can also become quite insular in the opinions, ideas & thoughts that we expose ourselves to & limit our exposure to only those that support our current ways of thinking & believing. This black & white approach, without ever contemplating the inevitable shades of grey, just reinforces our opinions & broadens our judgemental platform from which we assess everything & everyone around us.
When we allow ourselves to step into the shoes of others, to imagine what it’s like in their minds, to imagine what it may be like in their lives & relationships, to imagine what protective suit of armour they may be wearing … we allow ourselves to experience a different perspective … & we allow ourselves to move away from judgement & more toward empathy & compassion.
What would happen if … instead of immediately judging the person you see at the gym every day, who doesn’t even acknowledge your existence with a head nod, constantly avoids eye contact & seems to either purposefully avoid you or unnervingly look through you … what would happen if … instead of immediately judging … you just contemplated that they may actually experience social anxiety & that even going to the gym is a mammoth task for them … that they’re using all their willpower & strength just to be there, surrounded by people, feeling uncomfortable & anxious … & that making eye contact with someone is just too daunting … as it may potentially lead to a conversation … & the mere thought of that makes their chest start to feel heavy, their head go foggy & their heart rate elevate … so, instead, they just avoid eye contact!
What would happen if … instead of immediately judging the 50 year old woman who is walking around with hot pink hair … with an air of confidence & disdain for the opinion of others … who is almost challengingly making eye contact with everyone around her … what would happen if … instead of immediately judging … you allowed yourself to contemplate that she was raised by a narcissistic, controlling mother … that as a child she was never allowed to decide what to wear, whether she could cut her hair or how she could style it … as a child & young adult, her mother became so involved in all of her relationships, that none of them lasted & she had no real friendships … that her mother manipulated her into the career that she wanted for her, constantly telling her that she was incapable of doing anything ‘more’ … that she had no idea who she really was, or what she really wanted, because her mother dominated every aspect of her life … until the day when something just clicked inside & she decided she’d finally had enough … enough of being controlled, subjugated & demeaned by the person who was supposed to encourage, empower & support her … & so, now, she’s discovering who she really is & what she really wants … & she’s loving it!
We all have experiences that we carry with us, some beneficial & some detrimental. Experiences that shape the decisions we make, the behaviours we exhibit, the beliefs & opinions that we hold … of ourselves & others.
But when we just step out of ourselves & into the shoes of others, even just occasionally or momentarily, we can gain a completely different perspective. And this perspective can allow us to become more empathetic & compassionate toward others, whether they are family, friends or complete strangers. Instead of being stuck in our own little minds, in our own little world of stories & interpretations, it allows us to just float up above it all & see the bigger picture. And even if the picture we imagine isn’t the correct one, it allows us the opportunity to realise that our initial interpretation of an event, person or scenario isn’t necessarily the correct one or the only one.
And this can allow us to … release … reset … refocus … & create a more positive, enjoyable future for ourselves & those around us.
mindmakeover.com.au
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