Don't Be Your Own Harshest Critic!

You don't need to be your biggest critic because there will be plenty of other people volunteering for that role!

I have come to realise that my own internal dialogue is far more critical and limiting than any external dialogue from others could ever be.  Our inner critic can be beneficial in keeping us focused on improving ourselves, and our lives, by not allowing us to rest on our laurels and continually guiding us toward further improvement and goal setting.  

That subconscious critic can be an extremely motivating force.  It can sharpen our conscious focus on things that are subconsciously worrying us - things like whether we’re fully utilising our skills and talents in our chosen jobs; whether we even enjoy the jobs or careers that we have; whether we’re truly happy where we live; whether we’re fulfilled in our relationships; whether we are becoming the person we aspired to be when we were younger.   

But that subconscious critic can also be debilitatingly powerful in causing us to abandon even the smallest of ideas, let alone more significant hopes, plans or dreams.  It can construct a seemingly endless list of reasons why a change you’re contemplating will fail; why you’re not capable of achieving it; how others will perceive you for attempting it; what will happen when you do eventually fail; and how perilous it could be to jeopardise your current status quo in life.  So, of course, we listen, we worry, we believe the inner critic and we don’t make any change at all.

There are enough people in the world who would willingly volunteer for the role of being your biggest, harshest, most destructive critic, so you do not need to fill that role yourself!  Regardless of how kind, intelligent, talented, attractive or ethical you are there will always be somebody who doesn’t like you, doesn’t like your opinion, doesn’t like the way you dress, doesn’t like the way your face is, doesn’t like your voice, doesn’t like the way you do your hair .. do I need to continue? .. and will be ready, willing and able to be your harshest critic.  So, leave that task to them, and you go along on your merry way using that damn inner critic for positive motivation, instead of as a debilitating hindrance! 

The conversations we have in our own mind, consciously and subconsciously, have more power over us and our success in this game called life than any external voices ever could.  Yes, the opinions of others are witnessed by our eyes, heard by our ears and sometimes felt by our bodies but it is how that little inner critic processes them that has the greatest short and long term impact on us.  

If we allow our minds to unquestioningly accept the opinions of others we will ruminate on them, magnify the negative aspects of them, procrastinate because of them and our inner critic will feast on them.  And, as a result, our opinion of ourselves will plummet and we will stagnate in whatever unsatisfactory existence we have created for our one and only life.  But if we analyse those opinions and use them as potential fertiliser for personal growth, rather than accepting them as truths or facts and ensuring they become manure for our mind, our inner critic could become much more enlightened and valuable to us.  

We are in our own heads 24/7, for better or for worse, so the health of our inner critic, our

conscious and subconscious minds, our overall mindset is paramount to us leading a fulfilling and contented life.  If we are constantly telling ourselves that we’re not good enough, not intelligent enough, not experienced enough, not educated enough, we will never achieve our fullest potential because we will talk ourselves out of trying anything - new, different, risky or otherwise - every time.  We will fail ourselves before we even give anybody else the chance to do so!  We will talk ourselves out of any opportunity that could actually expand our experience, broaden our knowledge, inspire our intellect and, ultimately, negate any of those inner critic opinions.  So, we will have created a self-fulfilling prophecy by granting that damn inner critic too much power over us.

I was a long-term victim of my inner critic and she could be savage.  Throughout my life I have consistently set high standards for myself and I have definitely achieved many of my goals but my inner critic has also sabotaged me into believing that there’s a limit to what I could ever hope to achieve, a pre-determined standard for my life that I could never possibly surpass.  As a teenager she told me I didn’t really have any control over my life or destiny, so I counted every calorie, exercised maniacally for hours every day and became almost anorexic.  That really showed her that I had control!  When I was at University she told me that I wasn’t good enough to pursue my chosen career path because I didn’t fit the accepted aesthetic ‘norm’ for that industry, so I dressed in black, dyed my hair black, bought my clothes from Op Shops and subconsciously did everything possible to highlight my difference.  That really showed that I didn’t care about pursuing that career path!  When I was going out with my first husband I knew there were red flags and alarm bells going off for both of us but she told me that it would be a complete waste of all of the time we had put into the relationship if we ended it and that I would be seen as a failure, so we got married.  Being a divorced, single mother at 31, really showed her the benefit of not wasting that time or failing!  When I was very unhappily working in a job that I had grown to hate, for a boss I had grown to disrespect, she told me that my need for financial security was a higher priority than my happiness or mental health and that I didn’t possess the skills, education or experience to get another job that paid as well as the one I had, so I needed to just endure it and keep going.  So, I pushed myself and ended up having some version of a breakdown and had to leave that workplace anyway.  So, that really showed her that I valued financial security over mental health! 

In all of these stages of my life I could have made wiser, more informed choices but I listened to that incessant, harsh inner critic who made me doubt myself as a person, doubt my abilities and doubt my potential.  I unwittingly ignored any external messages that could have reframed my perspective and solely focused on the negative, self-sabotaging, risk averse voice in my head that didn’t want me to challenge myself because of a deeply embedded fear of failure.  I listened to a damn critic who was so afraid of failing that she consistently set me up to do just that!  She made me safe, to a degree, in the short term but she was limiting my potential success in almost every aspect of my life.  

I have finally started to confront her when she raises her ugly voice now, to question why she is being so critical and to analyse whether there is any basis to her viewpoint.  And I am endeavouring to utilise her as a positive motivating force to ensure that I am being my best self, doing my best work and pursuing my best goals.  Some days it’s easier than others, some days my innate pessimism takes hold and encourages the inner critic’s voice to grow louder, but I will continue to challenge my inner critic each and every day.  

So, just go ahead and start to challenge your inner critic. Confront her, question her, doubt her, disprove her ... and use her as fertiliser, not manure, for your mind!

“It’s not what you say out of your mouth that determines your life, it’s what you whisper to yourself that has the most power.” - Robert Kiyosaki (American Author and Businessman) 

Kim Harrison

www.mindmakeover.com.au