Seeing Failure as a Positive Experience!

Is fear of failure making you a spectator of your own life?

Many of us are raised to fear failure, whether it be in the classroom, on the sporting field, in our chosen professions or in life itself.  It’s almost embedded into us that it’s impossible to make a triumphant comeback from failure and that if we allow failure into our lives it will destroy any chance we have of succeeding in any way whatsoever.  This is rubbish!  And it is perpetuated by people who want to keep you small, compliant, subservient and unhappy.

Failure is one of the best teachers we could ever hope for.  Undoubtedly, it’s not pleasant at the time, but we learn so much from it that we should actively strive to fail as many times as

we possibly can.  Because if we’re failing it means that we are venturing into uncharted territory; that we’re exposing ourselves to new experiences and challenges; that we’re delving into new theories, ideas and principles; that we’re taking risks. Life is not meant to be steered from the lounge chair, or as a spectator, it’s meant to be experienced to its fullest potential from the driver’s seat.  

If you’ve had small children, or have been exposed to them, you will have witnessed the perfect example of complete disregard for the ramifications of failure.  Do you think they give a second thought to what could possibly go wrong when they crawl, or commando roll (a favourite past-time of my son when he was a baby) across the room, for the first time?  Do you think they contemplate a worst case scenario when they decide to take their first steps?  Do you think they ponder the perils of their first time on a bike?  Definitely not!  They don’t care if they fail and fall because they have no comprehension of what failure even is.  They don’t understand the correlation between actions and consequences until somewhere between three and five years old, so they are certainly not going to stay laying on their backs or sitting on their butts for fear of failing when they try to roll, crawl or walk.  Adults haven’t had a chance to instil a fear of failure into them yet, so they will try almost anything.  What an incredible way to live your life!

Unfortunately, I did not live my life like a blissfully happy, risk-taking toddler.  I was extremely fearful of failure for most of my life and would not venture too far out of my comfort zone for any potential reward, no matter how great it appeared to be.  This may be a surprise to some people in my life and glaringly obvious to others, depending upon what our relationship has been.  And even though I have achieved successes that were meaningful to me - like the high school honour of being appointed School Captain, being the first member of my family to attend and graduate from University, managing to provide a private school education for my son while I was a single parent - I have only ever played it safe for fear of failing.  

I wasn’t sure whether there was an external foundation for my fear of failing or whether it was just that I have always had such high standards for myself?  It could possibly have been because I had a family member who could do no wrong in the eyes of some.  So I wanted to succeed at everything to gain what I saw as equitable attention.  It may have been because I broke my collar bone jumping off the ladder of a slippery slide, that I was too scared to slide down, when I was three.  So I decided not to attempt activities I deemed as possibly dangerous physically.  It may have been because I grew up relatively poor and ashamed by this fact.  So I was fearful of doing anything as an adult that would create that same predicament for myself or my family.  

It wasn’t until I experienced a hypnotherapy session that my question was answered.  My fear of failure emanated from a childhood experience when I was laughed at, by people I loved and trusted, for mispronouncing a word when I was reading a book out loud.  I had always prided myself, and been complimented by others, on being a good reader so this was devastating to me as an eight or nine year old.  This seemingly insignificant event was the root cause of my massive fear of failure and the other historical incidents would have merely served to reinforce it.  I feared failing because I could only envision the negative results - the embarrassment of people laughing at me, the possible negative financial ramifications, the bruised ego - and not any of the potential positives.  

Because, remember, we don’t know what we don’t know.  And I hadn’t allowed myself to know that failure could be an amazing tool for improvement.  

Now I am definitely not advocating that you take unnecessary or dangerous financial, emotional or physical risks.  I am simply asking you to take a look at your relationship with failure to see if it is inhibiting your advancement, success and happiness in life.  A few years ago I discovered the enlightening world of podcasts (yes, I am a late starter in a lot of areas!) and the number of successful people who have a litany of failures to their credit is astounding.  But they never allowed their failures to dampen their spirits or stop them from venturing into new endeavours.  Instead, they used them as lessons of what not to do and they learnt from them.  And this list of ‘failures’ includes people like Walt Disney, Henry Ford, Cyndi Lauper, J.K. Rowling, Oprah Winfrey and Colonel Sanders.  So, you know, fairly successful people!  

Nobody on this list started life with any additional opportunities or abilities than you or I, but the major difference is that they did not allow a fear of failure to restrict them.  They had the courage to try new things, the confidence to back themselves no matter what and the ability to leave their past failures where they belonged, in the past.

So, please, do not allow the fear of failure to derail you.  We all possess different skillsets and abilities, so we can’t all be successful at everything, but don’t condemn yourself to failure before you even give something a shot.  

Don’t look at your neighbour who established her own work from home business and think you could never succeed at that.  Instead, think ... what if ... why not?

Don’t look at the middle aged woman you see running in your local park every weekend and think you could never do that.  Instead, think ... what if ... why not?

Don’t look at your friend who studied for a new career and then quit her unsatisfying job and think you could never do that.  Instead, think ... what if ... why not?

Before you accept your belief that you could never do something please look at why you are telling yourself that.  If it’s primarily because of a fear of failure, not necessarily because you don’t possess or couldn’t possibly acquire the required skillset, then you owe it to yourself to reassess your conceivably erroneous belief.  

Because if you don’t you will definitely miss out on some empowering lessons and experiences, and maybe even some huge successes. 

So, just ask yourself ... what if ... why not?

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” - Paolo Coelho 

Kim Harrison

www.mindmakeover.com.au